Love, Appreciation, and the Power of Feeling Seen

claudiacounseling
Feb 12
5 min read

Updated: Feb 24

Valentine’s Day is in the air this month. It can be fun inviting grand gestures—romantic surprises, candlelit dinners, and gifts wrapped in red. The desperate search for the perfect romantic gesture.

But let’s face it—true intimacy isn’t built on grand displays that happen once a year. It’s nurtured in the small, daily practice of appreciation.

In his book When the Past Is Present, David Richo captures this beautifully:

“In a true you-and-I relationship, we are present mindfully, nonintrusively, the way we are present with things in nature. We do not tell a birch tree it should be more like an elm. We face it with no agenda, only an appreciation that becomes participation: 'I love looking at this birch' becomes 'I am this birch' and then 'I and this birch are opening to a mystery that transcends and holds us both."

Now, I’m not saying you need to meditate on your partner as if they were a sacred tree (although… hey, if it works, go for it). But Richo’s message rings true: when we approach our partner with genuine appreciation—without trying to "fix" them—our relationship transforms.

Where Did All the Gratitude Go?

Here’s the thing: most couples I see in counseling haven’t expressed genuine appreciation to each other in months—sometimes even years. It’s not that they don’t care.

Life just gets in the way. After enough rushed mornings, overdue bills, and passive-aggressive “Did you forget to pick up milk again?” texts, the little things that once felt meaningful start slipping under the radar.

Sound familiar?

You’re not alone.

But the good news is that appreciation, when expressed regularly, can turn things around.

The Five A’s of Love

David Richo also outlines the "Five A's" of love, which help couples build a strong emotional foundation:

1. Attention – Be fully present when your partner is sharing their thoughts. Yes, this means putting down your phone (Instagram will still be there later).

2. Acceptance – Love your partner for who they are. Not for who you think they could be with just a few tweaks.

3. Appreciation – Regularly acknowledge and thank your partner for the big and small things they do.

4. Affection – Physical touch and emotional warmth go a long way.

5. Allowing – Give your partner room to be their true, wonderfully imperfect self.

Appreciation is especially powerful because it reminds your partner that they matter, that you see them, and that you value their presence in your life.

Why Appreciation Works Wonders

Research shows that gratitude strengthens relationships.

Partners who feel appreciated tend to be more open, trusting, and emotionally connected.

The key? Go beyond the surface “thanks.”

When you explain why a gesture matters to you, you’re offering a window into your inner world—and strengthening your bond in the process.

Practical Ways to Show Appreciation

You don’t need to orchestrate a massive display of affection. Small, thoughtful acts are what sustain love over time. Try these on for size:

1. Actually pay attention

When your partner’s talking, give them your full focus. Yes, including eye contact. Even something as simple as “Wow, I hadn’t thought of it that way—tell me more” can show your partner they matter to you.

2. Celebrate the little things

Don’t wait for your anniversary to offer a heartfelt "thank you." Acknowledge the everyday gestures.

For example:

“I really appreciate you cooking dinner tonight. You saved me from yet another night of cereal and toast.”

3. Be playful

Compliments don’t always have to be serious. Keep things light and fun when the moment calls for it:

“That yellow dress? Wow. I think you just gave the sun a complex.”

4. Show appreciation for emotional support

Your partner’s the person who sees you through life’s highs and lows. Let them know how much you appreciate it:

“Thank you for always being in my corner. You help me feel capable even when I doubt myself.”

5. Compliment the whole world they bring with them

Acknowledge not just who they are but also their family, friends, and other connections:

“You have such a kind, welcoming spirit. It really shines when you're around your family.”

6. Express gratitude, often

Don’t save your appreciation for Valentine's Day or grand romantic gestures. Love thrives in the everyday moments where you simply say, “Hey, I see you. I’m grateful for you.”

Daily Rituals for Deeper Connection

Consistency is key.

If expressing appreciation feels a bit awkward at first—don’t worry. Like any new habit, it just takes practice. Start by setting aside a few minutes each day to share one heartfelt appreciation with your partner.

Here's a simple way to frame it:

Begin with: “This is so special to me because…”
Explain how their action impacted you emotionally.
For example:

“This is so special to me because it made me feel supported and less alone.”

Oh, and one more thing: appreciations should not come wrapped in frustrations like, “I appreciate that you finally took out the trash.”

I think you can guess why that might backfire. 😉

Apply the “KISS” 💋 Test: Keep it Small and Specific

Start Small
Appreciation doesn’t need to wait for grand, movie-worthy moments. Notice and acknowledge the little everyday gestures that make life better—whether it’s your partner brewing your morning coffee or offering a listening ear.
Be Specific
Go beyond vague statements like “Thanks.” Let your partner know exactly what they did and how it made you feel. For example:
“I really appreciate you making dinner tonight. It gave me time to relax, and that means a lot.”
Make It a Daily Practice
Set a time each day to share one appreciation. Yes, it may feel a little awkward at first, but over time, this practice can create a deeper, more positive emotional connection. You’ll be surprised how much warmth and trust it can cultivate.

With time, small moments of recognition can lead to significant shifts in your relationship's emotional climate. It’s a simple yet profound way to show your partner that they are seen, valued, and loved.

The Ripple Effect of Gratitude

Here’s the kicker: expressing gratitude doesn’t just benefit your partner—it improves your own happiness and well-being, too.

Research shows that people who regularly practice appreciation experience lower stress, greater life satisfaction, and a more positive outlook.

So, this Valentine’s Day, instead of getting caught up in the pressure for grandiose romantic displays, focus on the little moments. Start by saying, “This is so special to me because…”

True intimacy grows in those everyday acts of recognition, presence, and care. Begin today—and watch your relationship bloom.

Professional Support

If you and your partner feel emotionally distant or struggle to express appreciation, seeking professional guidance can help.

Couples counseling offers practical tools to rebuild trust, intimacy, and communication.

Remember: relationships thrive when both partners feel seen, understood, and valued. Appreciation is one of the greatest gifts you can give—and it costs nothing but your time and attention.

FREE DISCOVERY CALL TO SEE HOW MY COUPLE PROGRAM IN 3 STEPS CAN BE YOUR GIFT TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

FREE ACCESS HERE

Valentine’s Day is in the air this month. It can be fun inviting grand gestures—romantic surprises, candlelit dinners, and gifts wrapped in red. The desperate search for the perfect romantic gesture.

But let’s face it—true intimacy isn’t built on grand displays that happen once a year. It’s nurtured in the small, daily practice of appreciation.

In his book When the Past Is Present, David Richo captures this beautifully:

Now, I’m not saying you need to meditate on your partner as if they were a sacred tree (although… hey, if it works, go for it). But Richo’s message rings true: when we approach our partner with genuine appreciation—without trying to "fix" them—our relationship transforms.

Where Did All the Gratitude Go?

Here’s the thing: most couples I see in counseling haven’t expressed genuine appreciation to each other in months—sometimes even years. It’s not that they don’t care.

Life just gets in the way. After enough rushed mornings, overdue bills, and passive-aggressive “Did you forget to pick up milk again?” texts, the little things that once felt meaningful start slipping under the radar.

Sound familiar?

You’re not alone.

But the good news is that appreciation, when expressed regularly, can turn things around.

The Five A’s of Love

David Richo also outlines the "Five A's" of love, which help couples build a strong emotional foundation:

1. Attention – Be fully present when your partner is sharing their thoughts. Yes, this means putting down your phone (Instagram will still be there later).

2. Acceptance – Love your partner for who they are. Not for who you think they could be with just a few tweaks.

3. Appreciation – Regularly acknowledge and thank your partner for the big and small things they do.

4. Affection – Physical touch and emotional warmth go a long way.

5. Allowing – Give your partner room to be their true, wonderfully imperfect self.

Appreciation is especially powerful because it reminds your partner that they matter, that you see them, and that you value their presence in your life.

Why Appreciation Works Wonders

Research shows that gratitude strengthens relationships.

Partners who feel appreciated tend to be more open, trusting, and emotionally connected.

The key? Go beyond the surface “thanks.”

When you explain why a gesture matters to you, you’re offering a window into your inner world—and strengthening your bond in the process.

Practical Ways to Show Appreciation

You don’t need to orchestrate a massive display of affection. Small, thoughtful acts are what sustain love over time. Try these on for size:

1. Actually pay attention

When your partner’s talking, give them your full focus. Yes, including eye contact. Even something as simple as “Wow, I hadn’t thought of it that way—tell me more” can show your partner they matter to you.

2. Celebrate the little things

Don’t wait for your anniversary to offer a heartfelt "thank you." Acknowledge the everyday gestures.

For example:

“I really appreciate you cooking dinner tonight. You saved me from yet another night of cereal and toast.”

3. Be playful

Compliments don’t always have to be serious. Keep things light and fun when the moment calls for it:

“That yellow dress? Wow. I think you just gave the sun a complex.”

4. Show appreciation for emotional support

Your partner’s the person who sees you through life’s highs and lows. Let them know how much you appreciate it:

“Thank you for always being in my corner. You help me feel capable even when I doubt myself.”

5. Compliment the whole world they bring with them

Acknowledge not just who they are but also their family, friends, and other connections:

“You have such a kind, welcoming spirit. It really shines when you're around your family.”

6. Express gratitude, often

Don’t save your appreciation for Valentine's Day or grand romantic gestures. Love thrives in the everyday moments where you simply say, “Hey, I see you. I’m grateful for you.”

Daily Rituals for Deeper Connection

Consistency is key.

If expressing appreciation feels a bit awkward at first—don’t worry. Like any new habit, it just takes practice. Start by setting aside a few minutes each day to share one heartfelt appreciation with your partner.

Here's a simple way to frame it:

Begin with: “This is so special to me because…”

Explain how their action impacted you emotionally.

For example:

“This is so special to me because it made me feel supported and less alone.”

Oh, and one more thing: appreciations should not come wrapped in frustrations like, “I appreciate that you finally took out the trash.”

I think you can guess why that might backfire. 😉

Apply the “KISS” 💋 Test: Keep it Small and Specific

Start Small

Appreciation doesn’t need to wait for grand, movie-worthy moments. Notice and acknowledge the little everyday gestures that make life better—whether it’s your partner brewing your morning coffee or offering a listening ear.

Be Specific

Go beyond vague statements like “Thanks.” Let your partner know exactly what they did and how it made you feel. For example:

“I really appreciate you making dinner tonight. It gave me time to relax, and that means a lot.”

Make It a Daily Practice

Set a time each day to share one appreciation. Yes, it may feel a little awkward at first, but over time, this practice can create a deeper, more positive emotional connection. You’ll be surprised how much warmth and trust it can cultivate.

With time, small moments of recognition can lead to significant shifts in your relationship's emotional climate. It’s a simple yet profound way to show your partner that they are seen, valued, and loved.

The Ripple Effect of Gratitude

Here’s the kicker: expressing gratitude doesn’t just benefit your partner—it improves your own happiness and well-being, too.

Research shows that people who regularly practice appreciation experience lower stress, greater life satisfaction, and a more positive outlook.

So, this Valentine’s Day, instead of getting caught up in the pressure for grandiose romantic displays, focus on the little moments. Start by saying, “This is so special to me because…”

True intimacy grows in those everyday acts of recognition, presence, and care. Begin today—and watch your relationship bloom.

Professional Support

If you and your partner feel emotionally distant or struggle to express appreciation, seeking professional guidance can help.

Couples counseling offers practical tools to rebuild trust, intimacy, and communication.

Remember: relationships thrive when both partners feel seen, understood, and valued. Appreciation is one of the greatest gifts you can give—and it costs nothing but your time and attention.

FREE DISCOVERY CALL TO SEE HOW MY COUPLE PROGRAM IN 3 STEPS CAN BE YOUR GIFT TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

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