When Chemistry Is Not Enough: The Difference Between Intensity and Capacity

In the early stages of a relationship, intensity often feels like depth.

The conversations are charged.

The attraction is undeniable.

The connection feels rare.

It can feel almost irresponsible not to follow it.

But intensity is not the same as capacity.

This is where many couples encounter what I have come to recognize as a first real threshold.

Intensity is about activation.

Capacity is about the art of regulation.

Intensity is about how strongly we feel.

Capacity is about how well we handle what we feel.

A common misconception I see is this:

“If we love each other enough, the rest will sort itself out.”

What follows is usually — best case — confusion.

One partner says, “We have something special.”

The other says, “Why does it feel so hard to resolve anything?”

They are both right.

There may be chemistry.

There may be affection.

There may even be commitment.

But chemistry does not teach repair.

Affection does not automatically build emotional skill.

Commitment does not guarantee maturity.

Capacity reveals itself in quieter moments:

Can we tolerate disappointment without escalating?

Can we hear feedback without collapsing?

Can we pause before reacting?

Can we repair after rupture?

The internal dialogue often sounds like this:

“If I have to ask for this again, maybe they don’t really care.”

“Why am I always the one bringing this up?”

“Maybe we are just incompatible.”

“It shouldn’t be this hard.”

Underneath those thoughts is rarely incompatibility.

More often, it is unpracticed regulation.

When two nervous systems are activated, the relationship does not need more passion. It needs steadiness.

Emotional maturity in partnership is not measured by how intensely we connect, but by how responsibly we manage friction.

Fantasy asks: “Does this feel extraordinary?”

Maturity asks: “Can we build something durable?”

And sometimes the most radical choice is not leaving at the first sign of difficulty — nor staying at all costs — but evaluating honestly: Do we both have the willingness to grow capacity?

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A Simple Practice to Begin

Instead of reopening a conflict, try beginning with this:

“Can we talk about how we talk when things get hard?”

This shifts the focus from content to process.

Then ask:

• When you feel criticized, what happens inside you?

• When I withdraw, what story do you tell yourself?

• What would repair look like for you after tension between us?

Even one regulated conversation about regulation builds capacity!

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If You Want to Go Deeper

A few resources I often suggest, not as quick fixes, but as companions in thinking (not only making) more about love.

·       📚 The Course of Love — Alain de Botton

I value this book because it dismantles the myth that lasting love is sustained by intensity \alone. It follows a couple beyond romance and into what partnership quietly becomes: misunderstanding, projection, fatigue, tenderness, ego, repair.

It carries a sober but strangely comforting message: disappointment is not the opposite of love. It is part of its curriculum.

How to use it:

Don’t read it to evaluate your partner. Read it to observe yourself. Notice which passages make you defensive, irritated, or relieved. That reaction is often more revealing than the storyline.

·       🎙️Podcast: The Secure Love Podcast — Julie Menanno

This is a grounded, attachment-informed exploration of what emotional security actually looks like in daily life. It is practical without being simplistic, and educational without being clinical.

What I appreciate most is its emphasis on regulation and responsibility — not blame.

How to use it:

Choose one episode that resonates with your current dynamic. Instead of sending it to your partner with “This is you,” listen first and ask yourself:

Where might this also be me?

·       🎬 Film: Scenes from a Marriage (Ingmar Bergman or the more recent adaptation)

Not a light Friday-night film…but an honest one. It portrays romantic idealism meeting human limitation, and shows how intelligent adults can love deeply and still struggle profoundly.

It is less about compatibility and more about emotional education.

How to use it:

Watch it with curiosity.

Afterwards, ask:

Where did I recognize myself ? In the one who pushes? Withdraws? Idealizes? Leaves? Returns?

These are invitations to observe love through grounded lens.

Growth in partnership is not accidental. It is practiced.

Growth in love is not accidental. It is practiced.

That education is lifelong.

Fortunately.